Engelske Vitser
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personer siden 17.04.98
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2. mai 1999
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Side 1: |17.04.99 |09.04.99|
Side 2: |02.05.99|

Nye vitser pr 17.04.99

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts
wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on. 
 
Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?" 
New Man: "No, I just got here." 
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on,it implies you 
called for me." The blond lays down and lets the man have his way with her. 
The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge
man comes toward him. 
 
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?" 
New Man: "No, I just got here." 
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies
you called for me." 
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. 
The new man rushes back to the receptionist... 
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500." 
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...." 
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get
a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."


Declaration: General Motors doesn't have a helpline for people who don't know how to drive. Why: Because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But just imagine if they did... HELPLINE: "General Motors helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened." HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'." HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'." CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'." HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?" CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..." HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about." CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?" HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things." CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi, I've just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "DO you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!" HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product." CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed." HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?" CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!" HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?" CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?" HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The brake. The pedal next to the accelerator." CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know." HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

Nye Vitser pr 09.april 1999
Takk til
Håkon Falnes for disse vitsene


WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.

EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works hat the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their asses, because ass size doesn't really matter.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"


The delusion that one woman differs from another.

WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them.

WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.

WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN?
How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die?

WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
Marriage.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.

WHAT IS A WIFE?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A hundred dollar bill


What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

1 Sleep with me.
2 Please sleep with me.
3 I'm sorry for whatever it is that you think I did.
4 What other woman?
5 I forgot to get you a gift.
6 What? I was listening. I was! I swear!
7 Anniversary? What anniversary? Didn't we just celebrate one last year?
8 Stop nagging me!
9 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
10 PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME!


The Pope goes to visit the seven dwarfs

The Pope goes to visit the seven dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf Nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf Nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope, "Dopey asks pleadingly, " are there any dwarf Nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf Nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin."


STAGES OF LIFE THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

   AGE     DRINK
   17         beer
   25         bourbon
   35         vodka
   48         double vodka
   66         Maalox

   AGE     SEDUCTION LINE
   17         My parents are away for the weekend.
   25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
   35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
   48         My wife is away for the weekend.
   66         My second wife is dead.

   AGE     FAVORITE SPORT
   17         sex
   25         sex
   35         sex
   48         sex
   66         napping

   AGE     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
   17         "tongue"
   25         "breakfast"
   35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
   48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
   66         "Got home alive."

   AGE     FAVORITE FANTASY
   17         getting to third
   25         airplane sex
   35         menage a trois
   48         taking the company public
   66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

   AGE     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
   17         25
   25         35
   35         48
   48         66
   66         17

   AGE      IDEAL DATE
   17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
   25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
   35         "Just come over."
   48         "Just come over and cook."
   66         Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

   AGE     DRINK
   17         Wine Coolers
   25         White wine
   35         Red wine
   48         Dom Perignon
   66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

   AGE     EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
   17         Need to wash my hair
   25         Need to wash and condition my hair
   35         Need to color my hair
   48         Need to have Francois color my hair
   66         Need to have Francois color my wig

   AGE    FAVORITE SPORT
   17         shopping
   25         shopping
   35         shopping
   48         shopping
   66         shopping

   AGE     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
   17         "Burger King"
   25         "Free meal"
   35         "A diamond"
   48         "A bigger diamond"
   66         "Home Alone"

   AGE      FAVORITE FANTASY
   17         tall, dark and handsome
   25         tall, dark and handsome with money
   35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
   48         a man with hair
   66         a man

   AGE     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
   17         17
   25         25
   35         35
   48         48
   66         66

   AGE      IDEAL DATE
   17         He offers to pay
   25         He pays
   35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
   48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
   66         He can chew breakfast



...only as fast as the slowest...
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers



Engelske Blondine Vitser
Til Tops | Til Side 2 |
Mekka av Tommy Vik@17.04.98
Oppdatert 02.05.99