World's Biggest List of Insults
I'LL HIT YOU... I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and a plane ticket back! I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit! I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi! I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy! I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall! DUMB... You're so dumb you think socialism means partying! You're so dumb you think manual labor is a Mexican! You're so dumb you think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"! You so stupid you probably think Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill. You so dumb you got blonde roots in your eyeballs. Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's. Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice. UGLY... She was so ugly... they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla biscuits You're so ugly you'd make a train take a dirt road! You're so ugly when you walk into a bank, they turn the cameras off! You're so ugly, if you stuck your head out the window, they'd arrest you for mooning! You're so ugly if you joined an ugly contest, they'd say "Sorry, no professionals!" You're so ugly your face is closed on weekends! You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion/birth control! You're so ugly if my dog looked like you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards! You're so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mother! You're so ugly when you were born, your mother saw the afterbirth and said "Twins!" You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped the clock! She's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock! She's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Your face so so ugly when you cry the tears run up your face. Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot. Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you. FAT... You're so fat when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the HOUSE You're so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall! You're so fat if you weighed five more pounds, you could get group insurance! You're so fat you get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! You're so fat if you got your shoes shined, you'd have to take his word for it! Your so fat, that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people you are backing up. Your so fat, that you have to use a mattress as a maxi-pad. GENERAL... 'Scuse me, I can't seem to find my dick. Mind if I look in your mother's mouth? Your wife said she liked seafood. So I gave her crabs. Are those your tits, or did Laurel and Hardy leave you their heads? Is that an accent, or is your mouth just full of sperm? If I had change for a buck, I could have been your dad! The difference between your mama and a rooster? The rooster says cock-a-doodle doo, your mama says any-cock'll do. I would have been your dad, but the guy in front of me had exact change. You're so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad. You're like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on. MOTHERS... I saved your mother's life today... I killed a shiteating dog on the way over. Your mother's armpits are so hairy it looks like she had Buckwheat in a headlock. Your mother's so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass. Your mom's so fat, her yearbook picture was an aerial photo. Your mom's so fat, I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Your mom's so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in. They say that beauty is only a light switch away, with your mom I had to use a black light. Your mom's so stupid it takes her a half hour to make minute rice. Your mom's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown. Your mom's got snakeskin teeth. Your mom's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section w/a fishing rod. Your mom's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing Her peanuts. Your mom's got hair on her tongue and she gargles w/curl activator. Your mom's got a wooden leg w/a real foot. Your mom's got a leather wig w/suede sideburns. Your momma's so fat, she jumped up in the air -- AND GOT STUCK! Your mother's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Your mother's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Your mother's like mustard, she spreads easy. Your Mama's got three teeth...one in her mouth & two in her pocket. Your Mama's breath's so strong, she be blowin' bubbles with Now & Laters. Your Mama's so old, her birthday's expired. Your Mother is so stupid, she needs a ruler beside her bed to see how long she can sleep. Your Mother is so dumb, she got hit by a cup and said she got mugged. Your Mother is so old, I told her to start acting her age and the bitch died. Your mama's so old she owes Jesus Christ a quarter Your mama's so poor she went to McDonald's to put a shake on layaway Your mama's so dumb she sold the car for gas money Your mama's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Your Mama's So fat, when her beepgr goes off, people thought she was backing up Your Mama's So stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Your Mama's So fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Your Mama's So stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Your Mama's So fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Your Mama's So fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway Your Mama's So fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Your Mama's So fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued" Your Mama's So nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt. Your Mama's So fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Your Mama's So ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Your Mama's So ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Your Mama's So ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Your Mama's So old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Your Mama's So ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Your Mama's So ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Your Mama's So ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Your Mama's So poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." Your Mama's So fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Your Mama's So ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Your Mama's So ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Your Mama's So fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Your Mama's So stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Your Mama's So fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Your Mama's So stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read. Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" Your Mama's So ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Your Mom's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers Your Mom's like a doorknob... everybody gets a turn Your Mom's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick Your Mom's like a bowling ball you can fit three fingers in Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always comes back for more Your Mom's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served Your Mom's like Denny's... open 24 hours Your Mom's like a shotgun... give her a cock and she blows Your Mom's like 7up...never had it never will. Your mama's like a railroad track: She gets laid all over the country. Your mama's like a T.V.: A two year old could turn her on. Your mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Your mama's like Crazy Eddie, she's practically giving it all away You're mother's so dumb...she got stabbed at a shoot-out. Your mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Your mom is like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away. You mom is so fat, everytime she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot. Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you. Your so fat, that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people you are backing up. Your so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad. Your so fat, that you have to use a matress as a maxi-pad. Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's. Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Your like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on. Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice. You're mother's so dumb... ..she got stabbed at a shoot-out. ..heard it was chilly outside and grabbed a bowl. ..got hit by a parked car. Insults... I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet. When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity. Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much. I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing. You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you. Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another? The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you. When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents. All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down. I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much. I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in. You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide. No one should be punished for accident of birth but you look too much like a wreck not to be. Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being. You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along. You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet. I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure. You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to. At your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium. If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny. Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull? You have nothing to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you. It's your life --- but I wish you'd let us have it. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I'll think so. Man alive! But I wish you weren't. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead. I admire your because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief and a cheat. You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would. You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it! You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.